Why I love(d) my bad therapist
and other reasons to not take advice
Good morning wordicorns and scribblers,
I’ve been in therapy for the better part of twenty years.
I started because I was depressed and angry and suicidal. I stayed because I realized having someone to vent to that had no stake in my life and I didn’t have to take care of or worry they’d say something to someone was absolutely fabulous.
I could say, there that’s why I loved even my bad therapist. Venting to strangers is great. That’s therapy for you.
But no, good therapists guide you and give you life tools to keep you steady when you begin to stumble, and are there for the weeks or months when things are good to remind you that you’re doing great.
But bad therapists… well, they can say a lot of shitty things, can make you feel some kinda way. They are easy to just stop seeing when you’re an adult, but my bad therapist came in the form of a child psychiatrist who also did talk therapy.
These are transferable lessons—from life to work to hobbies of any kind. So stick with me, and I promise if you don’t see the connection to writing, you will.
People make snap judgements no matter their job, their education, their level of professionalism, their age, their race, their gender, their sex, their species (threw you for a minute, right?). That’s okay, but you need to learn how to have boundaries to protect yourself, should the judgement call for it.
You can’t always change someone’s mind, even if they say they’re open-minded.
The right way to do something according to a textbook or a philosophy that’s been established since ::insert some time here:: will not always work for you. In fact, it may be detrimental to you, your health, your happiness, or your relationship with others.
You know yourself and your life best, presumably. (In the case of mental health, we of course, must make space for delusions and reality breaks.)
You can hold back as much as you want from someone, and that’s okay. You can share as much as you want with someone, and that’s okay. But you will never be able to anticipate the response to either. You cannot control it.
You need to love yourself—full stop.
One size medication doesn’t fit all. Nothing is an exact science when it comes to people. The typical dose is irrelevant. Only what works for you matters.
By now, I bet you see what I’m getting at.
In writer’s terms:
People will make judgements about you as an author and on your work no matter who they are. You need to know when to close the app and not look at reviews, for instance, for your own mental health. Opinions will happen no matter what, but you don’t want to get hurt by them.
No public statement or second more perfect book will 100% change someone’s mind about anything. “The reason I wrote X scene like X is because I had X experience.” means nothing if the person has their mind made up. That’s fine. They are allowed to feel their feelings too. So don’t waste time trying to change that.
Following a specific formula that got one person to be a best-selling author doesn’t guarantee that you will be. It could just lead to a waste of money and you feeling bad about yourself. Think about what you want and how you want to handle things before you just follow the yellow brick road.
You know yourself, your audience, your writing, your schedule, your energy, your life best. If you can’t handle another event, don’t take on one because someone else can or they say it won’t be too much trouble. Listen to yourself first. If you’re worried you’re not trustworthy, then seek guidance from someone you trust or a mental health professional.
No matter what you write or how you write it, people will have responses—good, bad, or indifferent. You can’t control that narrative by pulling back or pushing forward on gore or adding more flowery prose. In the end, that may just change your audience. But then you have their opinions to contend with. You just need to stay true to yourself and how you want to tell the story. After that, be honest with your readers. Is it sweeter or darker than usual? This is a good time to figure out your thoughts on trigger warnings or author notes. Synopses are good for letting people know what to expect. Just let everyone know what’s going on, and you can do what you want.
Loving yourself means you can give yourself the grace to take time off, you can say no easier, you can protect your writing time without guilt or shame, and you can care for yourself and your family while being creative.
There are a million ways to be a writer.
